There's this thing...

A lot can change in the course of a year, but things also change in a moment. How clear things use to be, compared to what they truly are is a hurt breaking truth. You grow so fond of this imaginary life you dreamt and then in an instant, you're back to reality. The reality of who you are. Those negative things you've denied. Then you start to question everything. Why this? Why me? Why am I complaining? Then you're alone. And then...I'm not sure. 

I created this to reflect on things in my past, but have yet to re-read my previous blogs. Instead, I'm writing again because I'm sad. What kind of therapy did I expect from writing something and not even trying to read it? What reflection was I expecting exactly. As if I would transform my life and become someone else by reading the past me. In honesty, I needed this. I needed to feel this helplessness because that at the end of the day will make me remember where I don't want to be. Maybe not so much the hunger pains, but this helplessness. Sometimes crying helps, but I'm tired of tears. I need to stop telling myself it could be worse. It could! That's true, but that doesn't mean I should just deal with these circumstances. I need to know it could be better!

I'm so depressed


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

huh

Long time....no speaking!

I say this a lot, but TODAY! I promise to blog more....whatever, that's a lie! I need more money! I decided to sign up for focus groups in hopes that I could turn a dollar into $1.5 billion. I mean give or take a few hundred...I love these dots .............................................................................. ........................................................................................................................................................... 

Anywho, I have applied to two perfumery schools....I'm old as Harriet, so I doubt I'll get in so this would be a great time to create plan K.So my plan K is to become a professional extra!!!
(I'm serious) I don't want to do my job anymore so it is important that I plan the greatest escape out of the situation and being an extra (PROFESSIONAL) sounds like fun. I just need to pay rent and for fish tacos. 

COLOR CHANGEEEEEE I don't have anything else interesting to talk about right now.... 

Oops there goes ANOTHER One

I had something witty to say, but I forgot what it was....

I did it again, but I will let the beat drop!! OMGosh..............

I just was schooled on how I need to learn how to budget and how I need to get my shit together. Good story....I don't feel like telling it, but I am over whatever this lifestyle I live is..SOOOOOOOOOOO

......

...Yessss Girl

I wanna Sunday kind of love 

A love to last past Saturday night 

And I’d like to know it’s more than love at first sight  

And I wanna Sunday kind of love, oh yeah yeah
I wanna a love that’s on the square  

Can’t seem to find somebody, someone to care 

And I’m on a lonely road that leads to no where I need a Sunday kind of love
I do my Sunday dreaming, oh yeah 

And all my Sunday scheming Every minute, every hour, every day
Oh, I’m hoping to discover  

A certain kind of lover Who will show me the way
And my arms need someone, someone to enfold  

To keep me warm when Mondays and Tuesdays grow cold 

Love for all my life to have and to hold 

Oh, and I wanna Sunday kind of love, oh yeah yeah yeah
I don’t wanna Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday Or Thursday, Friday or Saturday  

Oh, nothing but Sunday, oh yeah yeah  

I wanna Sunday, Sunday, I wanna Sunday kind of love, oh yeah Sunday, Sunday, Sunday kind of love

Copied from MetroLyrics.com

Always go and delete old posts

Sometimes I go through my blog and read some of them to realize how annoying I am. I started this as therapy for myself, so I guess its working. Anywho, I am on my third cup of coffee and I think my heart stopped. So if this is my last couple of words (that no one reads) I need to make them good......wait for it!!!!!

I have a new hairstyle. They are braids and I LUB DEM!! They're long and fabulous...

 

I wish I knew what to do with them, but alas I only know three styles. Either way, they allow me to wake up later for work and I can just throw them around and go. I've gotten a lot of compliments so I put them in a jar and keep it jiving (...whatever). Speaking of jobs, I got a new one! I no longer work in NY, but now in North Jersey as a Chemist. I prayed for stability and I received it....not what I want to do in the long run (ha, never satisfied but I am learning a little something of commitment), but it is cool thus far. The people are kinda a buzz kill, but I am so happy to help build my empire (that sounded good right?). I don't know why I change the color of my font. Anywho, back to my 2 year Capstone paper. It is time to conclude this is keep it truckin (there I go again).

Life and Its Do overs

A friend of mine died 2 weeks ago! At the mere age of 26 he drowned after having a boat party with "friends". This is the first time I lost someone my age to something so tragic. I've been to the funeral of my grandma, cousins, uncles, and friends relatives...never has it been for someone that I knew in college that had so much going for them. With one tragedy happening so close to home comes the realization that life is short. In any instance it can be taken and you'll have friends crying at your funeral making plans to keep in touch with other friends. It was one of the most tragic things I have had to deal with thus far other than my sister trying to take her own life. I saw grown men cry and a family I never met bury their son. It takes you to a place of reality when you have consumed yourself with daydreaming about the life you wish you had. Instead of embracing the good you've gotten, it's being consumed with the life you wish you had. At a funeral for someone only 26, those ideas become stupid because dreaming of the future is something us humans should not do. Only God knows what the future holds, turning left instead of right can change your whole life. So there comes a time when you need to focus on the present and try to be the better person you were from yesterday. 

With that, I am more aware of how my procrastination is ruining what can be considered a full life. Life is too short, it is time to seize the day and do those things that I said I wanted and needed to do.  

...........

Happy Spring Everyone!!!! 

 I tried this new nail art crap that I saw on youtube. It wasn't hard, but I can't wait until I am a lot better and I can make crazy beautiful things! In other news my birthday is in two days...and I have been scrambling to cancel everything since I am the most broke I have been when I have to leave the house. I originally was so mad that everyone around me didn't care about my birthday..(they were too busy thinking about their special days coming up or a special afternoon)...but now I have a different view of things. I am never going to meet a person that loves me as much as I love myself, so I need to keep doing things that make me happy and stop dwelling on the things that people don't do for me. Yea its my birthday, and I am broke! If I wasn't maybe I would have planned something...but since I am...shit happens! 

My landlord/neighbor came over to receive perfume gifts I made and she gave me the best advice I have ever heard. She told me ways to fight through depression that I think I've had and also told me to keep moving forward. If there is something I want to do or be, the only thing stopping me is me. The idea of becoming a doctor is slowly disappearing. Now I have to work overtime to pursue this flavorist or perfumer thing (yes I still havent made up my mind yet). She made me smile and happy because its always a stranger looking on the outside that seems to exactly what to say.