Something Like A Job

I have decided after being laid off that my next position would not be a temp position, but rather a solid transition into a career of some sort. Since I am not sure what career that is...I am weighing my options before saying yes and nailing an interview. Well about a month ago another agency called me to see if I wanted to be a temp for a previous company I worked for. Since I have been lucky to work with some major companies, different positions arise under the umbrella of science. In particular working in different locations. I know I always say I don't go backwards, meaning I will not work the same dead-end job again...but this time its in New York. ohhhhh the lighttttssss. So I said okay submit my resume for this position that I won't be important in...since I have always said I wanted to work in New York. Turns out I got it (insert smiley face)! As reluctant as I am to start working with another company that just values me as another temp, I always feel my work speaks volumes. I am truly a good worker and I have references to prove it. I feel like I would do so great at my job that people want to grab me up and add me to their teams (still waiting for this to happen). I have been very depressed for the last couple of months because of the feeling of hopelessness. It has allowed me to open up to do things that I say I want to do. Trying to be big and bad only leaves me feeling inadequate. So instead of starting as CEO lets live a little. The thing about this job is that it is only 3 weeks. At this point, I need to work and get out of this house. I feel a fifth stomach forming. 3 weeks is perfect because if any magic that is going to happen towards a career, 3 weeks opens a slither of the door. Also, I will be making more money than I am currently making being poor, so that goes towards something other than chinese food. For 3 weeks I will understand what it is like to commute like my other NJ commuters. 3 weeks is enough to feed my impulsive personality and push me into something I have never done before.

Trying to stay FOCUSED

Yea. This is a terrible picture. What it is ~ is a picture of my MCAT book, with shake it like a Polaroid Picture highlighted. I found this funny because it has just completely distracted me from studying. I had a dry-erase board on my fridge that tries to keep me on track, and I have deleted the date to be completed about 100 times. I told myself that going to the library would help keep me on track, but now I don't even have the energy to get up and go. I don't think I want it personally. I am still fighting with what I want to do in life. As much as I thought I wanted to be a doctor, the more I keep questioning if it is worth me putting all this energy into it. Since I wasted my 20's asking these questions, am I willing to waste my 30's on the same questions? Maybe I should make a list of pros and cons. I will still take my MCAT and do the best I can, but I really need to think of the bigger picture going forward.....

I have just received a copy of "The Secret" I don't know if that is suppose to be underlined or italicize or whatever. I think I will read the end of it to get to the secret.....I hope its a coupon to Coldstone Creamery....mmmmmm I love ice cream

One Step to Healthy

I made some soup towards my Healthy Heart Diet that I am starting because of lent. Today I am DEVOURING chicken soup with french beans, potatoes, corn, onions and garlic. Delicious! I am not sure how much spice I put in there, but it has that little bit of twang. 72 oz of water and two cups of delicious coffee...I think my heart is about ten times better than it was yesterday (gotta pee). Now I am applying for jobs. One of which is less than I've made ever since I graduated college. However, this job is within Forensics and toxicology. This is starting and working my way up I guess. I don't know who put this idea in my head that I would be making $100k a year off the back. I mean my personality is pretty awesome, but I am convinced that ~ that is not enough. I calculated how much I would bring in weekly (which is what I am making now on unemployment) and technically I am doing it now. I can't afford those things that I implusively buy, but I'll be able to eat. So here is the question I've created. At what cost does it take to do the things you need to do and want to do? Trying to figure out what brings me happiness is nearly impossible because I've filled my life with this "thought". As if imagining myself in the corner window office creating something amazing and going to amazing lunches with important people, isn't working. I know there is a ladder to climb, but what if I don't know which ladder I want to start. Oh well, at least I know my heart is a little healthier which means I am a little happier.

Make this dream the best I've ever Known

Addicted! These are Isabel Marrant Sneakers for $Too Much...that I have been obsessing over since Beyonce's video Love On Top....(add appropriate punctuations). I am pretty sure there is a knock off somewhere, but by the time I find them I will probably find some other obsession. Now that I think about it they would be a good substitution to my Converses....hmmmmm.....lottery where art thou.


Today I went with my aunts to visit my cousin and her new baby. Of course I was freaked out, but it's good to see people happy. The joy that something that can't control its neck brings to people is amazing. What is more interesting to me is the way that the body works. How a woman works...(screw the boys). Like we are capable of having babies...and they rip our vaginas apart. Wow!! It's amazing how neat it all is.....gross...but neat-o!! 

The Oscars just went off and it was boring....its like the Sports Awards I had in high school. People clap and give speeches for things that you've never seen them do. Either way congrats to the winners...and losers. (Where was Dicaprio?)

Skype is pretty awesome....and that folks ends my randomness!!!! 

Attention from my New Laptop

When it comes to saving, I'm f*cking dumb. I just got my tax return and instead of giving it all to bills and being depressed for the next two months, I decided to get a laptop. It wasn't an impulsive buy, but more because I needed it to do shit. Makes since right.....WRONG. 

I babysat for my cousin this morning. My first cousin had her baby today. I can't stop thinking that I am seeing all these baby things because it validates that I will not have any children. It was good for the weekend, but damn it I need my weekdays and weekends. So I guess that I might need to use this impulsive buy and do something productive.....absolutely nothing.......

Another Musical Legends Falls

Whitney Houston died today. It takes ne back to when MJ died and how I remember that day and how I felt. I will remember this day because she was an incredible voice. I don't know one person that didn't fake a Whitney performance of I Will Always Love You. Her death brings life back down to life. You live...and then you die. Live it....for you never know when you won't be able to

Lean on Me...When I'm not Strong!

FEAR. Forget Everything And Retry. It is up to me to retry the things I fear. God Please help me in figuring out what I want to do. Do I want to be a doctor? 

i am infamous for putting off things that I can do today for tomorrow. When it comes to the bad things (alcohol) I am quick to those things, but everything else. That is my problem. Please give me the strength to do every thought I think. My place needs to be cleaned...clean it....I need to shave...shave. It's always the small things that make you realize the bigger things. I want to lose 50 lbs....no time like now....cheers to the future because we got through the past.