Oops there goes ANOTHER One

I had something witty to say, but I forgot what it was....

I did it again, but I will let the beat drop!! OMGosh..............

I just was schooled on how I need to learn how to budget and how I need to get my shit together. Good story....I don't feel like telling it, but I am over whatever this lifestyle I live is..SOOOOOOOOOOO

......

...Yessss Girl

I wanna Sunday kind of love 

A love to last past Saturday night 

And I’d like to know it’s more than love at first sight  

And I wanna Sunday kind of love, oh yeah yeah
I wanna a love that’s on the square  

Can’t seem to find somebody, someone to care 

And I’m on a lonely road that leads to no where I need a Sunday kind of love
I do my Sunday dreaming, oh yeah 

And all my Sunday scheming Every minute, every hour, every day
Oh, I’m hoping to discover  

A certain kind of lover Who will show me the way
And my arms need someone, someone to enfold  

To keep me warm when Mondays and Tuesdays grow cold 

Love for all my life to have and to hold 

Oh, and I wanna Sunday kind of love, oh yeah yeah yeah
I don’t wanna Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday Or Thursday, Friday or Saturday  

Oh, nothing but Sunday, oh yeah yeah  

I wanna Sunday, Sunday, I wanna Sunday kind of love, oh yeah Sunday, Sunday, Sunday kind of love

Copied from MetroLyrics.com

Always go and delete old posts

Sometimes I go through my blog and read some of them to realize how annoying I am. I started this as therapy for myself, so I guess its working. Anywho, I am on my third cup of coffee and I think my heart stopped. So if this is my last couple of words (that no one reads) I need to make them good......wait for it!!!!!

I have a new hairstyle. They are braids and I LUB DEM!! They're long and fabulous...

 

I wish I knew what to do with them, but alas I only know three styles. Either way, they allow me to wake up later for work and I can just throw them around and go. I've gotten a lot of compliments so I put them in a jar and keep it jiving (...whatever). Speaking of jobs, I got a new one! I no longer work in NY, but now in North Jersey as a Chemist. I prayed for stability and I received it....not what I want to do in the long run (ha, never satisfied but I am learning a little something of commitment), but it is cool thus far. The people are kinda a buzz kill, but I am so happy to help build my empire (that sounded good right?). I don't know why I change the color of my font. Anywho, back to my 2 year Capstone paper. It is time to conclude this is keep it truckin (there I go again).

Life and Its Do overs

A friend of mine died 2 weeks ago! At the mere age of 26 he drowned after having a boat party with "friends". This is the first time I lost someone my age to something so tragic. I've been to the funeral of my grandma, cousins, uncles, and friends relatives...never has it been for someone that I knew in college that had so much going for them. With one tragedy happening so close to home comes the realization that life is short. In any instance it can be taken and you'll have friends crying at your funeral making plans to keep in touch with other friends. It was one of the most tragic things I have had to deal with thus far other than my sister trying to take her own life. I saw grown men cry and a family I never met bury their son. It takes you to a place of reality when you have consumed yourself with daydreaming about the life you wish you had. Instead of embracing the good you've gotten, it's being consumed with the life you wish you had. At a funeral for someone only 26, those ideas become stupid because dreaming of the future is something us humans should not do. Only God knows what the future holds, turning left instead of right can change your whole life. So there comes a time when you need to focus on the present and try to be the better person you were from yesterday. 

With that, I am more aware of how my procrastination is ruining what can be considered a full life. Life is too short, it is time to seize the day and do those things that I said I wanted and needed to do.  

...........

Happy Spring Everyone!!!! 

 I tried this new nail art crap that I saw on youtube. It wasn't hard, but I can't wait until I am a lot better and I can make crazy beautiful things! In other news my birthday is in two days...and I have been scrambling to cancel everything since I am the most broke I have been when I have to leave the house. I originally was so mad that everyone around me didn't care about my birthday..(they were too busy thinking about their special days coming up or a special afternoon)...but now I have a different view of things. I am never going to meet a person that loves me as much as I love myself, so I need to keep doing things that make me happy and stop dwelling on the things that people don't do for me. Yea its my birthday, and I am broke! If I wasn't maybe I would have planned something...but since I am...shit happens! 

My landlord/neighbor came over to receive perfume gifts I made and she gave me the best advice I have ever heard. She told me ways to fight through depression that I think I've had and also told me to keep moving forward. If there is something I want to do or be, the only thing stopping me is me. The idea of becoming a doctor is slowly disappearing. Now I have to work overtime to pursue this flavorist or perfumer thing (yes I still havent made up my mind yet). She made me smile and happy because its always a stranger looking on the outside that seems to exactly what to say. 

Busy Busyyyy

My birthday is almost among us!!!

I have started working in NY in a very entry level position, but it is with a company that could start me off into the right field. I took this job because it would be the first time I worked in the city. The experience is exhausting, but I am so anxious to try new foods...see new places....have fun after work and all that. Since I still live in Jersey, its a little harder to always hang out, but its all about the networking baby. The joy of not knowing who you might bump into, who you might meet or what job you might land. Its entry level and it is also allowing me to humble myself by doing something like this, but God put in place this opportunity for a reason and it is up to me to follow through (for whatever it is). So my birthday is April 9th and its on a Monday. Minor setback, but I have the weekend to do something amazing. I usually have to come up with my own amazement which sucks sometimes, but I have learned to never rely on people when it comes to your happiness. Such as the conversation I had with my mother. My good friends birthday is on the 15th and we sometimes try to double it up. Since her birthday is later, its usually during her birthday we do something. She also has a boyfriend, so that means that she has another force to plan her birthday with. This year he asked (of course) me what he should do for her birthday. I want to make her day special so of course pulling out the works is important. However, one of my other friends who has a sister whose birthday is April 12, wants me to come celebrate in Miami. I have just had a confrontation with selfish and not selfish. Do I ditch a friends birthday to have fun in Miami for mine?? So I asked for the advice from my mother. Instead of getting advice, I got off the phone in tears. She told me I need to get my priorities in check and I need to get a bed....(for my birthday????) She said of going out with your friends you should use the money to buy a bed for your apartment. I do understand why a bed is important, but her comment of going out all the time was a shocker. When I asked her advice on online dating she told me not to (she met a few boyfriends off of online dating), when I asked her about going out in the city she told me I should go to bed (my mom partied at the Ritz every Sunday of her twenties), when I asked her about anything it seems she wants me to do the opposite. Her advice is because she doesn't want me to do the same things she did. Since I have no children, and our paths were totally different I don't get why she is so negative about life living. Her hurdles have been some of mine at a point, but now I have tried to confront my own issues. Not that her advice isn't wanted its to the point I'm tired of caring. It hurts that I have to push some of it to the back of my head, but my happiness should not always be the cost because SHE did it before....I don't live through anyones life. EVERYTHING I want I know I have to work hard for it. So I don't necessarily need someone to always think that their advice is needed. She is my mom so she is the top of my world....but I'll be 27! So Here goes..... 

Reeling 'em in

It's like 14 o'clock! I know I've probably said this already, but I started online dating. Well, fishing has been good! The void in my life not having someone to talk to and introduce myself with has been filled....so you're telling me I have to go on dates now?!?! NOOOOO WAYYYY!!! I mean this dating site is a great boost of confidence. I have been called beautiful, pretty, sexy, chunky and my boobs have been lusted over. However, I am afraid I don't know if I want to put forth the effort to actually date these admirers. One however, is from London (oh sweet baby Jesus how I lust and yearn to be living in England). The fact this bit of information has pushed me into more interesting conversation, he wants to meet when he is in NY this weekend. First of all, even if I wanted to actually go on a date...I've seen CSI and dateline...I'm not meeting a guy I've only spoke to twice anywhere. But, I have actually thought about allowing him to continue to talk to me.Yes, I said allow! I would typically write an email....he might respond and I won't write back. I don't know what it is. He is not my type neither. Maybe its the fact that he is very established and lives in London, or the fact that I know he might always feel more for me than I would for him. That's weird to type let alone say. I don't know what it is. I feel he is fragile so I don't want to hurt his feelings, but he actually is very articulate and damnit he's British! Who knows. I sent him an email shooting down his frisk...risk....whatever in the city this weekend. I told him I would keep him in mind the next time he comes to the city. It will only be dependent on future conversations. Either way, I need to answer the question of if I want to date...circle yes or no!! 

Embarkments

Having a crush is an instant rush that you can't control. Admitting your feelings to the crush changes the realm your feelings currently reside in. I have admitted those feelings to someone. Bracing yourself for rejection is just a part I always get ready for. That moment he responds however, is a great time! I live life in impulse....thank God!

Mondaydaydaydayyyy

Oh I am eating my fruit ya'll! I have to chase my fruit with new nail polish though. Gray by Gray...perfect for my Monday! 

However, this Monday is not gray! I did all the things I needed to do (drug tested and library shit)! I am on the fast track for my paper and it will be completed soon. I got the best email from NJSAR and I am slowly working my way towards becoming a member. The healthy heart diet is working. I have been tempted to eat straight oil but I have held off...I am also feeding my emotional heart ~_~. So I kinda joined a dating site over the weekend. Boy, my inbox is blowing up with guys looking for a good woman. I guess this is the easiest way to meet someone without the hurtful rejection. Speaking of rejection....funny sad story....I messaged a guy I have been crushing on in college via facebook. It is a move I don't typically do now of days, but my damn aggression has taken over me. So, because this guy is just facebook friend if it doesn't work at least I can delete him. Well...I am currently waiting for his response. He hasn't even changed his status since I wrote him so I don't know whats going on. It is really good that I had a boost of confidence with the online dating site...so all is well that ends well! LOL!

Riesling

My move to not drink when I'm home by myself has officially ended starting today. 3/4 done a bottle of Riesling, I've decided that I need to rearrange some things I said in my life....one of them being that I can not do things if I don't commit myself to not doing them (what???!!?!!???). My phone only rings with notifications for Scrambler with Friends and nothing more. I have been thinking about dating, but I am a predator. I want to go after the men I want. Recently, I have been crushing on a particular boy from college....I would have already contacted him, but I am trying to tame my urges....I just had a thought, you only live once so ignore the previous comment....Either way I am working on a "do now" me...

Something Like A Job

I have decided after being laid off that my next position would not be a temp position, but rather a solid transition into a career of some sort. Since I am not sure what career that is...I am weighing my options before saying yes and nailing an interview. Well about a month ago another agency called me to see if I wanted to be a temp for a previous company I worked for. Since I have been lucky to work with some major companies, different positions arise under the umbrella of science. In particular working in different locations. I know I always say I don't go backwards, meaning I will not work the same dead-end job again...but this time its in New York. ohhhhh the lighttttssss. So I said okay submit my resume for this position that I won't be important in...since I have always said I wanted to work in New York. Turns out I got it (insert smiley face)! As reluctant as I am to start working with another company that just values me as another temp, I always feel my work speaks volumes. I am truly a good worker and I have references to prove it. I feel like I would do so great at my job that people want to grab me up and add me to their teams (still waiting for this to happen). I have been very depressed for the last couple of months because of the feeling of hopelessness. It has allowed me to open up to do things that I say I want to do. Trying to be big and bad only leaves me feeling inadequate. So instead of starting as CEO lets live a little. The thing about this job is that it is only 3 weeks. At this point, I need to work and get out of this house. I feel a fifth stomach forming. 3 weeks is perfect because if any magic that is going to happen towards a career, 3 weeks opens a slither of the door. Also, I will be making more money than I am currently making being poor, so that goes towards something other than chinese food. For 3 weeks I will understand what it is like to commute like my other NJ commuters. 3 weeks is enough to feed my impulsive personality and push me into something I have never done before.

Trying to stay FOCUSED

Yea. This is a terrible picture. What it is ~ is a picture of my MCAT book, with shake it like a Polaroid Picture highlighted. I found this funny because it has just completely distracted me from studying. I had a dry-erase board on my fridge that tries to keep me on track, and I have deleted the date to be completed about 100 times. I told myself that going to the library would help keep me on track, but now I don't even have the energy to get up and go. I don't think I want it personally. I am still fighting with what I want to do in life. As much as I thought I wanted to be a doctor, the more I keep questioning if it is worth me putting all this energy into it. Since I wasted my 20's asking these questions, am I willing to waste my 30's on the same questions? Maybe I should make a list of pros and cons. I will still take my MCAT and do the best I can, but I really need to think of the bigger picture going forward.....

I have just received a copy of "The Secret" I don't know if that is suppose to be underlined or italicize or whatever. I think I will read the end of it to get to the secret.....I hope its a coupon to Coldstone Creamery....mmmmmm I love ice cream

One Step to Healthy

I made some soup towards my Healthy Heart Diet that I am starting because of lent. Today I am DEVOURING chicken soup with french beans, potatoes, corn, onions and garlic. Delicious! I am not sure how much spice I put in there, but it has that little bit of twang. 72 oz of water and two cups of delicious coffee...I think my heart is about ten times better than it was yesterday (gotta pee). Now I am applying for jobs. One of which is less than I've made ever since I graduated college. However, this job is within Forensics and toxicology. This is starting and working my way up I guess. I don't know who put this idea in my head that I would be making $100k a year off the back. I mean my personality is pretty awesome, but I am convinced that ~ that is not enough. I calculated how much I would bring in weekly (which is what I am making now on unemployment) and technically I am doing it now. I can't afford those things that I implusively buy, but I'll be able to eat. So here is the question I've created. At what cost does it take to do the things you need to do and want to do? Trying to figure out what brings me happiness is nearly impossible because I've filled my life with this "thought". As if imagining myself in the corner window office creating something amazing and going to amazing lunches with important people, isn't working. I know there is a ladder to climb, but what if I don't know which ladder I want to start. Oh well, at least I know my heart is a little healthier which means I am a little happier.

Make this dream the best I've ever Known

Addicted! These are Isabel Marrant Sneakers for $Too Much...that I have been obsessing over since Beyonce's video Love On Top....(add appropriate punctuations). I am pretty sure there is a knock off somewhere, but by the time I find them I will probably find some other obsession. Now that I think about it they would be a good substitution to my Converses....hmmmmm.....lottery where art thou.


Today I went with my aunts to visit my cousin and her new baby. Of course I was freaked out, but it's good to see people happy. The joy that something that can't control its neck brings to people is amazing. What is more interesting to me is the way that the body works. How a woman works...(screw the boys). Like we are capable of having babies...and they rip our vaginas apart. Wow!! It's amazing how neat it all is.....gross...but neat-o!! 

The Oscars just went off and it was boring....its like the Sports Awards I had in high school. People clap and give speeches for things that you've never seen them do. Either way congrats to the winners...and losers. (Where was Dicaprio?)

Skype is pretty awesome....and that folks ends my randomness!!!! 

Attention from my New Laptop

When it comes to saving, I'm f*cking dumb. I just got my tax return and instead of giving it all to bills and being depressed for the next two months, I decided to get a laptop. It wasn't an impulsive buy, but more because I needed it to do shit. Makes since right.....WRONG. 

I babysat for my cousin this morning. My first cousin had her baby today. I can't stop thinking that I am seeing all these baby things because it validates that I will not have any children. It was good for the weekend, but damn it I need my weekdays and weekends. So I guess that I might need to use this impulsive buy and do something productive.....absolutely nothing.......

Another Musical Legends Falls

Whitney Houston died today. It takes ne back to when MJ died and how I remember that day and how I felt. I will remember this day because she was an incredible voice. I don't know one person that didn't fake a Whitney performance of I Will Always Love You. Her death brings life back down to life. You live...and then you die. Live it....for you never know when you won't be able to

Lean on Me...When I'm not Strong!

FEAR. Forget Everything And Retry. It is up to me to retry the things I fear. God Please help me in figuring out what I want to do. Do I want to be a doctor? 

i am infamous for putting off things that I can do today for tomorrow. When it comes to the bad things (alcohol) I am quick to those things, but everything else. That is my problem. Please give me the strength to do every thought I think. My place needs to be cleaned...clean it....I need to shave...shave. It's always the small things that make you realize the bigger things. I want to lose 50 lbs....no time like now....cheers to the future because we got through the past.

Umm

Am I the only one that tries to use their unused part of their brain to become a squirrel? I really just mediated to become a squirrel....I guess I'm no x-man


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

I wish I could send my ovaries a cease and desist letter

Above is a picture of my dog my mom got me. She is currently in custody of my mom because I realized I don't want to take care of a dog. Love her, but I'm good. That begins this blog.

I don't want kids! Let me reword that....if I ever have children it will by accident! I wouldn't get an abortion or anything so it will be a depressing nine months, but when that little bastard comes I'll love it so much and so will its nanny. It'll go to the greatest schools and learn all that sh*t, but I know some people are not meant to be parents! *raises hand* I applaud parents for their patience and selflessness, but I'm not doing that. I like me fairly more than I like other people. Yea, they say it all changes when you have a kid, that's the problem I don't want that to change. A lot of my friends have kids, cool, I don't babysit. Kids talk too much. One about nothing and two about every fricking thing! You have to feed them and clothe them, complement them, don't yell at them!! NO! I am not willing to do that!

I wish I could just get my tubes tied today. It would make it easier...so no slip ups. I already determined I'll be a single mom....mainly because I can't handle a man and a kid at the same time. It's too much. So if I accidentally have a kid I have to break up with my baby daddy ASAP. So yes that's that....no kids! Okay bye

(this is a joke by the way relax :-) )

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Might need a good cry

I am studying for the MCAT again. I have never been so discouraged in my life. For someone that thinks anything is possible through hard work, I have nothing to show for it. Does that mean I'm lazy? The long list of wants has gone onto the second page...totally leaving the list of things obtained. Do I want to be a doctor? Of course I want to be a doctor! I feel I've ruined my chances because of fear. I had the opportunity laid out for me but I chose door number two. Funny thing about door number 2 is, it was working. Now the start of 2012 I still don't have a job. I gave up on a goal because of fear, and went with a want because of what. Well no time like now to dust yourself off and start again. I say next year I'll be in medical school! Optimistic much?? Lol /font> - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

New Year

I went to London last year. I moved out of my roommates house and into my own place. My dad got married to a woman with only knowing her for three months. I got laid off from my job and I'm currently on unemployment. I started my "internship" to finish my fake masters. My sister enrolled in school and has her license. My aunt got married to her long term girlfriend and a month later they broke up. My cousin got pregnant. Beyonce got pregnant. And that about it....2012 here we come!! - Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone